Diary Of A Living Ghost

PSYKE MEET
I don't want to post this on Psyke sinc ei'm sure its just going to turn ranty and stupid and be claimed as a personal attack.
My God i didn't ralise i made such a total tit and disgrace out of myself at the meet. I am getting very scared that people are going to start viewing me as the meet-wrecker and the meet-slut and i severely pissed off so many people, understandably though, and i wish i could jsut turn back time and not have fucking touched anything.
I put my own recovery in jeopardy because i was stupid enough to think i could manage a spliff and get away with it, now today, all i want is more fucking drugs. I got so drunk i don't know how the fuck I got home and now i think people are starting to think that all i use the Psyke meets for is to get wasted.
i love Psyke, I love the friends that i ade there and the strength that it has given me to soldier on. I don't know where i would be today without it and I go and make an utter spectacle out of myself, put myself across as the worst example possible and make everyone uncomfortable and wary of me.
i feel like such a tit.
i wish i could turn back time and not act like sucha tit. I have been suitably chastised for it and i guess i have to relearn that there are no actions that don't have consequences. I probably won't be allowed to go to Huntingdon now and i totally understnad why but thats the one thing i have planned fo rmy summer and i went and fucked up and annoyed everyone.
Gah, i feel so small and stupid right now, i ho-pe everyone can see tha ti mean it when i say sorry because i really do. But i said that at the last meet and i still carried on the shitty behaviour. I really need to learn some self-restraint and some self control and some fucking dignity because i don't want to jeopardise the relations with the peope that have helped me so much
*smacks head on brick wall*
Xander, if you read this, none of my bad feelings are directed at you - more at myself. I should have had more control, I should have had more respect for everyone else rqther than dragging you down with me. You know i care about you.

Girl on a Bus
I'm meant to be getting better.
then why do i feel like falling all the time?
why wheni'm finally on good meds, have a good shrink, am starring to rebuild myself does it all still seem to be falling apart?
A girl is invited to a ball, she puts on her best diamonds and earrings and spends ages on her hair and puts son shoes she knows she will only wear this once and a beautiful ballgown bought specially. She knows she looks beautiful, she feels beautiful and she knows that everyone ther eis going to look as beautiful. But to get there she has to take the bus and there in the middle of the ordinary people in ripped jeans, raincoats and weary looks she knows she's out of place.
i feel i've been on the bus too long waiting to get to wherever it is i'm going to fit in and it's horrible and awkward and there are times i dont think it's ever going to happen. I've been travelling for so long my hair is uncurled and limp and my make up smudged nad my dress creased so by the time i get there i will be far, far less than what everyone was always led to believe i was going to be.
i don't know what to do.

what the hell is wrong with me? why cant i just beat this and hate it rather than beat and hate me? why when everything in my life should be going so well do i feel so wrong? do i feel so out of it like none of it exists around me? or am i not the one thats here? jesus christ i dont know. i spend a lot of time when problems come floating in the top of my head thinking it isnt happening to me, its not me, its someone else and i am just watching her and then BAM it whacks onto me that is IS me and i have made the choices that wound me here.
i want to break it. i also dont want to be here in life. But its so fucking selfish of me to die. I sit sometimes and think of everyone that died who deserved a better shot than they got and here i am high class china doll who doesnt want to be here. man why? why me? god thats evenmore selfish.
im sick of hurting myself over everything, slashing myself to pieces when all of it offends me. I'm sick of bleeding for hours on end and hands and knees scrubbing the blood out of everything. I'm sick of hideously gaping wounds and fat slugs of scars and the thing i hate most is how i dont hate it; how it doesnt even scare me, how its normal.
i'm sick of knowing i have to. even though i know i dont. i think i'll be dead if i didnt.

i'm really not good.
i do not want to go back to collge.
every new place i start i get victimised. i am sick of being hurt and being singled out for all this bullshit. i'm so confused right now; this isnt what i want but its what i need but heedless of that i cant cope with it all and i've been FORCING THE FUCKING LAUGHTER until it just hurts so much.
i have five packets of paracetemol beside my bed. i bought them for 'safety' in that if i had them i wouldnt be nearly as tempted than if i didnt and it usually works but now theyre sitting there and i'm trying to think, i'm trying to think of one thing that would have been differant if i had never been born.
its all just sound.

i dont want to be here anymore. i absolutely hate myself so much i cant do it. my psychosis is so bad its nearly constant; i live my life in a world no one else sees and it maeks me FURIOUS, it makes me so scared. if its all biology explain it? because i cant. i cant explain anything, im useless, i'm pathetic and i would rather die than live another day like this.

Dropout
its been about a year since my last entry.
i'm at a dead end,
i'ver can't go back to my college due to a series of events in my last term that included ODing, severe SI and being found in the bathroom with my wrists slit. i can understand why i should leave, i've been waiting for this for a long while. The thing that makes me cry is my housemistress still has every faith in me, she's been fighting and putting her own job and reputation at risk to try and get them to allow me back. That someone there should sstill have faith in me after everything i put them through is just brave tbh.
There's nothing left for me to do. i'm another high school drop out. And i know that thats it. i'm going to be stuck waitressing in this fucking town until i die.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Garbage - Its All Over But The Crying

Its been a while.
I started my new college in September and while it really suits me and my fears on it were relieved to find that in reality it suited me like anything, the initial euphoria was replaced with fear. Fear at discovery and disgust at myself. This time rather than dwelling in it all i dragged myself up to the nurse who put me through to a different shrink than the one that right now is absolutely failing me. I've been to see this new one. She's alright i suppose but i'm a defensive and abusive person and theres the person in me that says 'drop out now while you have the chance.' I'm afraid tonight of tomorrow. The 6th of November last year was the day i cracked down and my world changed. To think it could have been another year of normality, of people still thinking i was a decent person. Ive lost most of my friends, the respect of my family and every ounce of reality i swear and i'm dropping and i cant deny it. Im so scared.
I'm terrified.
And i dont know what im doing.

I have had the worst holiday of my life. I return from the hell and find every friend has something better to do. i should have known this would happen, that as soon as ileft school they were just waiting to rid themselves of my presence. i give everyone around me a bad name who can blame them?
i just cant move forward anymore. its just so disheartening seeing a future when every past i make just crumbles, when everything remembered is just full of fear and hate and hurt.

This Is So Messed Up
I'm getting worse and worse and worse. I sat in my shrink's session dumb and not caring, nodding away just staring out at the smoke from the chimneys out the window. SHe seems to think i'm getting better because i havent lashed out at my family in over a month. hmmm lets see...that may be because my father is goign to disown me if i do.
it turns out as long as i shut up then everyone else is fine. a hands over the eyes and im not there situation. what they cant see doesnt matter, they can deny it. I suppose im happy to leave it this way.
Its horrible.
a few weeks ago i was allprepared to face this head on and beat it, at a time when everyone else thought i was at my worst. now i really am falling and i cant stop myself and im racked with so much pain im numb to it all. but everyone else is happy so it doesnt matter.
I dotn have it so bad, i wasnt dealt an unfair card in life, i created it all for myself.

Current Mood: numb

SHUT UP
God this holidays going to take forever and it's only been a few days. Lonliness, boredom, nothingness with no distraction, week on week in a dark room like every other time in my life.
Just look at the rain, it's been flooding down in sheets for days. Pathetic Fallacy or what.
I'm supposed to be going to a party with Elly and Ellie on the weekend. They live so close together they've already started cutting me out of their lives, cant blame them. People always saind we were a wierd group, but they are fun-wierd, cool-wierd whilst i am WIERD, i'm violant and cruel and sarcastic, my humour is based on others faults and in the end i always use people.
James is in Bolivia now fo four weeks and yet i'm still counting the days until he comes back even though i know i wont meet him, i wont speak to him, i'll never see him again. and it hurts, it fucking HURTS but it's for the best. I'd destroy him in the long run, just like everybody else i run into.
SHUT UP NATALIE, FOR GODS SAKE STOP IT. YOU'RE A WHINING PATHETIC LITTLE GIRL WHO KNOWS NOTHING, SEEN NOTHING, HEARD NOTHING. YOU'RE A POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL AND YOU'RE NOTHING, YOU'RE INSIGNIFICANT AND NO ONE COULD CARE LESS.
*slams fist into wall'
please, just shut up.
please.

Current Mood: lonely

The Guy I'll Never Have
Do you know what i mean when i say The Guy I'll Never Have? The person that you know you will never get, not because of 'leagues' or because they're with someone else but because thats just the way it is?
Mine is James.
I was besotted with James for a year and a half, absolutely obsessed with him. After eighteen months i was killing myself just pining after him because i knew he'd never be mine and i cut him out of my life, erased him from my phone, avoided him in corridors so he couldn't even open a door for me, so i wouldnt pine after him so much.
Slowly and painfully all the feelings went away.
Saturday night, my last night in school, there was the school concert on where all the bands in the school get a chance to play and yes, maybe it is quite pathetic but its usually fun. I had such a good time with him, everytime i couldnt see he lifted me onto his shoulders or took me into the middle of it all, i nearly fainted at one point and he carried me outside and gave me a drink and sat with me until i was feeling better, he looked out for me the whole evening and we ended up kissing.
I just stood there thinking 'Not now, not now i'm leaving dont remind me why i liked you.'
I had to admit to him i no longer had his number in my phone but if he wrote his down i would text him and he'd get my number from that. He wrote his number on a piece of paper and gave it to me and made me promise to call him in the holidays and then he walked away.
As he turned the corner i ripped up the papeer and threw the shreds away. I'd rather he thought i was a bitch that didnt call him then let me let him down. i'd never be what he deserves.
I guess its for the best.

Current Mood: confused

The Past Wont Go Away
I am drained.
I feel there is nothing left and my soul is seeping from me second by second, it doesnt want to stay.
im so confused i cant think. my personalities colliding in my mind like ice and fire for painful thought, my scars raised and itching on a hot day with nothing, really to cry over.
except myself and the pure idiocy of myself. i have no reason really and i wish there was one sometimes.
sometimes i think i sat down as a child and thought 'im going to cry and never stop, just to see what happens, just to see how long i can last.'
I cant deal with this emotion, this ache, this emptiness.
And i dont think im in control.

Current Mood: drained

Something To Think About
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.

Guy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

::Girl hugs him::

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

(In the paper the next day):
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

Wake Up and Start Again
Everythings coming to an end, which i guess is a good thing.
but its leaving me listless.
At least the exams made me lose myself in something
at least all the school havoc gave me something to concentrate on.
At least all the friction gave me something to be angry about.
Now its an end
anda beginning
and i know it should be a good thing
but its so much effort and so much emotion, the very idea just drains me.

Current Mood: aggravated

Just Another Day
I try for SO long to hold back the violanc ejust to fuck it all up.
i was in town and i wasnt inthe best mood, so angry at everyone and i passed the front of a shop an di heard some girl behid me make some comment and giggle at which i just snapped and whirled around and demanded to know what she just said.
Stupid girl, one of the fake blondes, you could see her roots, on some awful slaggish get up. she just said 'huh?' and rolled her eyes at her friend.
I dont even know why i was so angry, these things happen, ppl take the piss out of me the whole time its nothing new, but i lost it, i just punched the girl in the face, knocked her against the wall wher eshe fell into the floor and i just lay into her and she was lying there screaming until about two guys pulled me off this girl.
That almost made me evenmore angry, the idea that esterday i waas in trouble an no one stopped and today a whole crowds gathering to stop me. iwas so fucking upset, i just ran as soon as i could trying not to cry.
im such a violant cunt i really really am. I've gone for so long without hitting ANYONE and then i just beat up some girl on the street who didnt even desreve it fro christs sake.
keep to hurting yourself little girl, that way no one will care.

Current Mood: bitchy

There are so many bad people in this world that the good ones you really appreciate. Elly, my roomate, for even though she never understood she kept me sane, shed do all she could for me and keep every secret. Ryan, i suppose, even tough he hurt me in the end, i never acknowledged how much i hurt him, how bad i made him feel and how worthless he was, he knew he couldnt do anything, he knew he couldnt save me, but he tried, he really tried for me, it was me who chased him away. Mona, Someone i've never met and yet gives me every ounce of her empathy to take me through the bad. Someone i have every respect and time for because of everything she is.
Everyone on psyke, for helping me through the dark.\
Things that not many ppl in Real life would do without a heavy fee. And it makes you think sometimes, that maybe the world can be good again and we can traint he dark to become light.
we just need to start with ourselves.

Current Mood: contemplative

I'll Stumble To The Grave
I was on the bus last evening coming home on my own and a cold started rushing through me and my head started spinning. i felt like i was going into shock, my hearing cut off, the whole place was swirling and i felt like i was going to be sick. panicking i stumbled off at the next stop just desperate for some air to try and shake the weight off me but as the bus sped off i just collapsed on the pavement.
When i came to, people were still walking by on the other side of the road some even pointing and laughing. It was raining.
I felt sick and angry, the fact that no one in this world gives a damn for each other any more. it happened to one of my friends on psyke the other day too, he collapsed in a panic attack and the cars kept speeding by him.
ppl make me sick.
i just lay there on the floor, hardly with any strength to stand. the rain just falling about my head in the mud mixing with tears until i pulled myself up and continued the long walk home.
im so sick of human nature.

Current Mood: aggravated

I Dont Know What Im Fighting For, I Dont Know What Is Right
I think people have overseen the importance of the little things now.
a smile if you pass them in the corridor, just a hug when someones upset, a 'thatnk you' or 'good job' or any sign of appreciation. ppl dont realise the effect of these small things anymore and how much they change the moment.
Just thought id get that off my chest.
Im all very confused right now.
I had an appointment with my psychologist/social worker and this women hates me, seriously hates me and i hate being there because its like being told that i have to pour out my secrets to a bully. i run out each time and she chases my family and then my shrink yells the next time i see them and everyone goes mad with me...
the only reason i go is becuase of my parents, because i want them all to think that at least im trying. i cant stand these ppl though but i have no choice anymore. I cant switch because the doctors are sick of me and after my last suicide attempt they cut off my choices.
so im stuck with a bunch of cunts that hate me and control my life and i WISH i cld rewind time
but you cant
and i hate the person i am.

Current Mood: crushed

I Feel So Small
God this is going to sound so ridiculous.
About eighteen months ago, last new year i made a resolution that i wld stop thinking there was no point to my life and i wld prove myself wrong; if i cld save one person from suicide then thered be a point to my life because, without me that person wld be dead.
I try, god knows i tried, sure, i can calm ppl down, i canconvince them things are going to be ok, but suicide is such a huge and dominating thing i know now that i cld never get that thought out of someones head. I've talked to so many ppl that their lives invade my own, my effort to save them all becomes my need to exist, my life, so much that i ignore myself and i ignore the fact that imworse and worse, i end up in hopsital twice in a year on overdoses and i dont even count them, i dotn even think about them, all i want to to convince someone else that there is a point.
i might as well accept that its pointless and go smash my hea dagainst the wall, that this 'reason for life' might even kill me in the end through despair that i just CANT DO IT.
I am not a person that cld ever get the thought of death out of anyones head, everyoneis individual nd im just one small person, words on a phoneline, text on a screen, hugs on a sofa, but ill never do what i want to do or be who i want to be and im exhausted.
I dont care about giving up on me anymore.
I just never ever want to giv eup on them.

Current Mood: drained

If You Jump I'll Break Your Fall
I guess im lonely.
im not saying thats the heart of it or even near it but do you know how long its been since someone even touched me?
its like i have a disability, whenyou see people in the street in a wheelchair you know their human and their sane and fine but you walk around them anyway because their DIFFERANT. i do it too im ashamed to say and i dont think their less human because of that but its instinctive.
Is that why ppl have stopped touching me? Not even a hug or a high five to remind me im still human.
And love and acceptance, isnt that what we all want.
GOD i want love, but i know ill ruin it, ill run, mess with the poor mans mind, make him feel used, make him HATE me because i feel safer in hate then in love and ill run.
i hate the way i know this to the point i wont even try.
I know everyone deserves love, i know i desereve it. i just think that no one can deal with me, no one needs me in their life like that. they dont need my insanity.
I suppose it'll be a long time before im ever accepted again. crowds part as i walk, i half beg in my mind pl to walk into me, to startle me from this feeling of unreality. A hand on my shoulder to remind me i'm alive.

Current Mood: lonely

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